


[fic] all to go free

by sootandstars



Category: Fringe
Genre: Bisexual Character, Character Study?, Nonbinary Character, This is trash, Trans Character, what are tenses, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-07
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-20 05:38:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2416910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sootandstars/pseuds/sootandstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>there are universes inside of olivia</p>
            </blockquote>





	[fic] all to go free

there are universes inside of olivia. 

she has known this for years, since long before meeting walter and peter and finding her calling, before there was superhero poison flowing through her veins, before a gun trembled in her small hands. she has known this as long as she has known herself. 

when she was a teenager she cut her hair and taught herself to take up space. she considered changing her name, and to test it, she introduced herself as oliver to a girl once. she liked the way it sounded rolling off her tongue, oliver dunham, and the other girl did too, until one day they are kissing and breathing hard and a hand sneaking under her shirt pulls away with a gasp. for months olivia couldn't close her eyes without seeing the shock and anger, and she leaves oliver behind in dust. some things are harder to hold on to than others. she sees what gives people power and tries to mimic the easy confidence of men. sits with her legs open. walks in the middle of the hallway. limits herself on how many times a day she is allowed to say "sorry." refuses to apologize for having an opinion. she goes to her senior prom transformed in loose hair and a red dress and heavy lipstick and observes how this too holds power, how femininity is not always synonymous with weakness. how she can slay a man with her walk and gaze and she tries this for a night and it works. she ends up in bed with the boy who brought her and underneath her he is sweaty and wide eyed and worshipping and she has never felt more powerful. this boy goes with her for two years and does not think different of her when she takes to wearing suits instead of red dresses and sees her in both forms and this is what makes her feel strong. when they part ways it is with a smile and a handshake. she wishes all men were like this. some of them are. mostly, they are not. many who call her beautiful only mean it when she is quiet and these repel her like oil on water. 

she meets john scott and at first he is nice but not different. he calls her sweetheart and butch with no venom or condescension and she calls him an idiot and they are partners. the first time they fuck she thinks it is a mistake but he proves her wrong. john has never looked at her like she is weak and she considers this for a long time, and she decides to let herself love him, and she will not say sorry. they fall into a rhythm. it is easy like love never is. at work they are sharp and smart and go well together. after hours in motels and bedrooms that are not theirs they gently peel each other open, sew each other shut. olivia cannot believe how much she has told him that she does not regret. some of the things he whispers to her, she is the first of his lovers to hear. she thinks she finally understands why some call it making love, a term she normally cannot help but laugh at. passion blurs with intimacy and she begins to think she has found home. 

one night they are talking, they are laughing, and he tells her, "you are one hell of a funny woman."

"I'm hardly a woman," she says not without thought. he is only quiet for a moment before replying, "you are a princet," and it is with love so she does not ask what he means. all is well and they sleep, two human beings side by side. weeks later john is gone and a traitor and olivia remembers and tries to sift through the lies and digs for disgust hidden beneath the words but there was none. it doesn't make sense what was true and what was note. she takes a drink and goes to bed and dreams she is john and he is loving her and neither of them are all wrong. 

when peter bishop calls her sweetheart it is an insult and her chest tightens, the way it did when she was a child in a schoolyard, denied a fight because no one would hit a girl. peter does not see her the way john did because when peter first saw her she was weak, and this is something she cannot take back. she has expected it to make things difficult but what she finds is that she no longer has to be constantly strong. this is a strange new type of friendship for her and she tries not to let it change her but it does. what she realizes that does it is that peter does not think her vulnerable because she is a woman. he thinks her vulnerable because she is human, as all humans are. she considers peter and considers loving him and knows it would be different. 

when she learns of the cortexiphan, if the experiments, she is enraged, more furious than she has ever been. there are so few places she has ever felt safe but her body has always been one of them. this is betrayal beyond description. she needs to know everything, to understand, and at the same time she wants none of it. she wants to go back to not knowing, to a time when even if she was a prisoner in her body it was hers only. peter will help, she thinks, peter will ground me, but then he is wrong too, and before she can reconcile that he is gone. she is lost, lost, and she feels like a child and wishes she did not remember. 

on the other side she feels as though her footsteps are out of rhythm. she understands this but does not like it.

she ponders an alternate her and for a second oliver blips across her mind and her heart beats like a drum. but there is no oliver in either universe and she wonders if anywhere in any universe he broke free. she doesn't have much time to think about him though because she needs to save perer, peter, and she has some clarity. you belong with me, she tells him, and feels the truth in her bones, and everything is gonna be fine. 

things change fast after that, and they change for a long time. there is no stability and so olivia has no time to waste on thinking about the strange space between men and women and the strange ways one can love. she runs and peter runs and one day they are running together and she asks no questions because she knows it is finally right. 

one day after everything ends he is playing with etta, who still misses her grandpa and needs a lot of distracting. etta shows her the different stuffed animals. this is lamby an he has a puffball tail he uses to dust cabinets. this is swimmy and he eats seaweed but not sushi. this is whiskers, and etta pauses, who isn't a girl or a boy. and she gazes up at olivia as if proud to have solved some puzzle and says, just like mommy!

olivia only hesitates for a second, because she has come to know that her daughter understands many things. she has come to understand many things herself. when peter looks at her he is not looking at any woman. he is looking at her in her whole self, more than just her body, more than just her beauty. when he holds her close he is reverent. he understands as she understands as astrid and walter also understood. she is not one or the other, she is not defined by anything but herself. friend, hero, sister, parent, lover, olivia has come to know what matters about who she is. 

she smiles down at etta, who she brought into the world when she was strong and weak and all else at the same time, the universes colliding and overlapping inside her and beating with her heart. you're right, she says.

all is well.

**Author's Note:**

> so this was meant to be shorter so it gets bunched up at the end but. whatever. i have constantly found myself disappointed at the lack of queer headcanons and representation in this fandom, and nb trans olivia really, really speaks to me. i also think she's the kind of person who would be fine keeping her assigned pronouns. if you wanna discuss, please hmu!


End file.
